How To Be a Good Mom
This is the question all of us mothers, no matter the age of our children, want the answer to: how do I be a good mom to my kids?
Here's the answer:
It's not quite as straightforward as you might like it to be, but at the same time, it's quite simple.
Answer this question: "what do all children need?"
The answer, beyond basic physical needs, is: guidance and acceptance.
A person's brain is not fully developed until he's about 25 years old. Shocking, right? We're considered legal adults at 18 (and even younger in some places). We're allowed to leave our parents' homes, sign legally binding contracts, buy a car - heck, buy a house if we have the means - and go about our lives as we please. And yet, contemporary science is showing us that adolescence isn't really over for a full seven years after that.
What does that mean?
It means that while we're signing that paperwork for our first car loan or credit card, not only do we most likely lack the life experience to sniff out a bad deal, we also physiologically lack the logical reasoning to decipher if it's a good decision or not. We just haven't had the time to make enough connections in our brains to understand all the complexities of the world.
This is where a good mom comes into play.
From the time a child is born, he looks to his parents for nourishment. As a baby develops into a toddler, child, teenager, and adult, he still needs parental nourishment. What changes is the kind of nourishment they need.
Babies' needs are pretty straightforward most of the time: feed them, cuddle them, keep them clean and warm, stimulate their minds as they grow, and (for the sake of this particular post, anyway) that's pretty much that.
As a rationally thinking adult evolves from this basic state of life, he needs to be shown the way. He needs to be guided.
This means that children need consistent reassurance, consistent reminding, and consistent affection.
Don't get me wrong - I am in no way implying you should be on top of your kids' every move every minute of the day. That's not what a good mom does. What I am saying is that you should be ready to listen, talk, and listen some more.
Younger kids often need to have their emotions explained for them until they learn how to do it themselves. Luckily, if you're paying attention, they're usually pretty easy to read.
Small children (around older toddler to school age) often express their emotions physically since they do not have the vocabulary to verbalize their feelings. This might look like hitting, stomping, yelling, throwing, etc.
As good moms, our job is to be there through those big feelings. Try to hear what they're telling you. Figure out what's triggering the undesirable behavior. Is it happening when your child is frustrated that they can't accomplish a task? Let them know you understand. Offer to help.
This does not mean their behavior is acceptable; but acknowledging the cause is the first step to correcting it. Try not to react to the behavior, but to the emotion they are feeling instead. Validate the feeling. Let them know it's okay to feel that way - but, when they are calm, let them know it's not okay to harm someone or something because of the feeling. Try to avoid punishments and rewards. I know firsthand how difficult this is, but trust me when I say that it's well worth the effort.
More and more evidence is suggesting that traditional discipline methods do not work. You heard it right: time-outs don't work just like sticker charts don't work, at least not in the long-term.
I can tell you from personal experience that the above is true. I've tried both things with my daughter, and while they worked short-term, I kept encountering the same issues day after day. We power struggled through the same incidents all the time.
What does work is everything I've explained: acknowledgement, validation, and acceptance. Once I showed my daughter how to express her feelings in a healthy way, and remained consistent with it for a while, she began to do it on her own. We of course still have our moments of struggle, but overall, everything is much calmer around our house.
Make sure you are there for them when they need you - every single time. Be ready to comfort, or smile, or cheer, or cry - all the while remembering that what they need the most is to know that you accept them, regardless of the magnitude of the mistake. Set the foundation early so that as they grow, in the back of their mind, they are confident that you are there for them no matter what.
This way of guiding our kids extends far beyond childhood and into the teen and adult stages. As your child grows, he will develop his own opinions and interests, and they won't always align with yours or what you think his should be. Be ready to accept them. Be ready to help guide. Good moms understand that their children don't have to do everything the way we want for them to turn out well.
Acceptance is crucial to being a good mom. If you get into the habit of accepting your child for all of his virtues and faults, whether he's in a good mood or a bad mood, giggling or throwing a temper tantrum, studying for a test or skipping school, being a good guide will come easily. It will become easier for you to put your own emotions and expectations aside and truly hear what your child has to say.
This does not mean that you sit idly by while your child behaves in one way or another. It means you are there once again, right by his side, holding his hand, listening to him express his emotions and helping him navigate them, good or bad.
This also does not mean that you need to have all of the answers. On the contrary, it will help your child more if you let him find the answers for himself, with you right there next to him to point him in the right direction when he needs you to.
None of us can actually do all of this without making mistakes every now and again. Even as good moms, we are not flawless. We can still be good moms to our kids. We can still show them what it is to be an honorable person. We can still show them how to admit our mistakes, apologize for them, and move on trying harder, having learned a new life lesson.
That's what a good mom really does: shows her imperfections and embraces them, so that hopefully her children will be confident enough to know that theirs don't make them any less of a person, either.
xoxo Christi Lee
Here's the answer:
It's not quite as straightforward as you might like it to be, but at the same time, it's quite simple.
Answer this question: "what do all children need?"
The answer, beyond basic physical needs, is: guidance and acceptance.
A person's brain is not fully developed until he's about 25 years old. Shocking, right? We're considered legal adults at 18 (and even younger in some places). We're allowed to leave our parents' homes, sign legally binding contracts, buy a car - heck, buy a house if we have the means - and go about our lives as we please. And yet, contemporary science is showing us that adolescence isn't really over for a full seven years after that.
What does that mean?
It means that while we're signing that paperwork for our first car loan or credit card, not only do we most likely lack the life experience to sniff out a bad deal, we also physiologically lack the logical reasoning to decipher if it's a good decision or not. We just haven't had the time to make enough connections in our brains to understand all the complexities of the world.
This is where a good mom comes into play.
From the time a child is born, he looks to his parents for nourishment. As a baby develops into a toddler, child, teenager, and adult, he still needs parental nourishment. What changes is the kind of nourishment they need.
Babies' needs are pretty straightforward most of the time: feed them, cuddle them, keep them clean and warm, stimulate their minds as they grow, and (for the sake of this particular post, anyway) that's pretty much that.
As a rationally thinking adult evolves from this basic state of life, he needs to be shown the way. He needs to be guided.
This means that children need consistent reassurance, consistent reminding, and consistent affection.
Don't get me wrong - I am in no way implying you should be on top of your kids' every move every minute of the day. That's not what a good mom does. What I am saying is that you should be ready to listen, talk, and listen some more.
Younger kids often need to have their emotions explained for them until they learn how to do it themselves. Luckily, if you're paying attention, they're usually pretty easy to read.
Small children (around older toddler to school age) often express their emotions physically since they do not have the vocabulary to verbalize their feelings. This might look like hitting, stomping, yelling, throwing, etc.
As good moms, our job is to be there through those big feelings. Try to hear what they're telling you. Figure out what's triggering the undesirable behavior. Is it happening when your child is frustrated that they can't accomplish a task? Let them know you understand. Offer to help.
This does not mean their behavior is acceptable; but acknowledging the cause is the first step to correcting it. Try not to react to the behavior, but to the emotion they are feeling instead. Validate the feeling. Let them know it's okay to feel that way - but, when they are calm, let them know it's not okay to harm someone or something because of the feeling. Try to avoid punishments and rewards. I know firsthand how difficult this is, but trust me when I say that it's well worth the effort.
More and more evidence is suggesting that traditional discipline methods do not work. You heard it right: time-outs don't work just like sticker charts don't work, at least not in the long-term.
I can tell you from personal experience that the above is true. I've tried both things with my daughter, and while they worked short-term, I kept encountering the same issues day after day. We power struggled through the same incidents all the time.
What does work is everything I've explained: acknowledgement, validation, and acceptance. Once I showed my daughter how to express her feelings in a healthy way, and remained consistent with it for a while, she began to do it on her own. We of course still have our moments of struggle, but overall, everything is much calmer around our house.
Make sure you are there for them when they need you - every single time. Be ready to comfort, or smile, or cheer, or cry - all the while remembering that what they need the most is to know that you accept them, regardless of the magnitude of the mistake. Set the foundation early so that as they grow, in the back of their mind, they are confident that you are there for them no matter what.
This way of guiding our kids extends far beyond childhood and into the teen and adult stages. As your child grows, he will develop his own opinions and interests, and they won't always align with yours or what you think his should be. Be ready to accept them. Be ready to help guide. Good moms understand that their children don't have to do everything the way we want for them to turn out well.
Acceptance is crucial to being a good mom. If you get into the habit of accepting your child for all of his virtues and faults, whether he's in a good mood or a bad mood, giggling or throwing a temper tantrum, studying for a test or skipping school, being a good guide will come easily. It will become easier for you to put your own emotions and expectations aside and truly hear what your child has to say.
This does not mean that you sit idly by while your child behaves in one way or another. It means you are there once again, right by his side, holding his hand, listening to him express his emotions and helping him navigate them, good or bad.
This also does not mean that you need to have all of the answers. On the contrary, it will help your child more if you let him find the answers for himself, with you right there next to him to point him in the right direction when he needs you to.
None of us can actually do all of this without making mistakes every now and again. Even as good moms, we are not flawless. We can still be good moms to our kids. We can still show them what it is to be an honorable person. We can still show them how to admit our mistakes, apologize for them, and move on trying harder, having learned a new life lesson.
That's what a good mom really does: shows her imperfections and embraces them, so that hopefully her children will be confident enough to know that theirs don't make them any less of a person, either.
xoxo Christi Lee
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